hello hello.
i got that dog tattoo yesterday lmao. something that’s fun to realize is that the celebrity i am most like is actually ben affleck. just two iced coffee loving wise-asses who are proud of their dumb tattoos. also i directed The Town.
ok so here’s the real newsletter: i’ve been thinking a lot about that crazy trove of beto o’rourke’s teenage internet writing. we’ve finally reached the moment where people who hold or want to hold public office are going to be held accountable for the stuff they put online as teenagers. obviously we shouldn’t elect someone who was a teenage nazi or whatever, but if posting in general is going to come up every election cycle, oh god is this just the tip of the iceberg.
if you didn’t read beto’s incredibly horny poem, here are two amazing stanzas:
Wax my ass, Scrub my balls. The Cow has risen, Provide Milk.
Oh, Milky wonder, sing for us once more, Live your life, everlusting joy. Thrust your hooves up my analytic passage, Enjoy my fruits
t h r u s t y o u r h o o v e s u p m y a n a l y t i c p a s s a g e
you can’t make this up!! he even had to apologize for writing fiction about murder when he was sixteen! if any good comes of this, it will only be that white boys stop publishing their fiction on the internet.
when people my age are running for president, are we going to spend a day covering a vine they made in 2013 where they like, told their English teacher to shut the fuck up? if we start doing this with everyone, by the time we get to gen z politicians all we’re going to be talking about is whether or not we As A Country can Seriously Elect a president who once threw a piece of american cheese at a baby on Tik Tok. (for the record, that person has my vote.)
and if something like that video of AOC dancing to a Phoenix song on a roof can cause a kerfuffle, just wait until people who wrote erotic fan fiction as teenagers start running.
“Yes, Representative Greene, can you confirm that your Wattpad username was HarryL0vesLouis and you wrote 100,000 words about the torrid love affair two members of One Direction had while they were… lemme check my notes here… in an AU where they… were in rival fraternities and had, quite frankly, an obscene amount of sex in a college library?”
this is all to say, if any of you have the ear of a billionaire, please put me in touch with them. i have a business idea and that idea is that i hire a bunch of hackers and recently laid off social media professionals and we scrub your internet history of all the bad shit. we would be hired by political campaigns and up-and-coming celebrities. the twist is, we’d keep it all in a file and obviously would sell it to TMZ if times got hard or if you wronged me in any way. i understand that that last part is straight out of the scientology handbook (hello, J*hn Tr*v*lta), but david miscavige has a yacht and i would also like one.
p.s. here is the thing that will keep me from being elected president of the united states. i am very qualified in every other possible way, and this is the only thing keeping me from running.
one last little thing is that my friend lizzie made a whole entire feature film starring your favorite twitter user natalie walker. you should watch it!