soylents, ranked
someone please teach me to cook my organs are dying
I love starting something as a bit only to commit to it so wholeheartedly that it becomes a lifestyle choice. Saying “lmao” out loud? A thing I did as a joke in 2012 that has become the core tenet of my personality. The tattoo on my ankle that just says “Jacob”? Fully a bit up until the moment a Brazilian tattoo artist named Beto was covering it in saran wrap. This is all to say that I didn’t entirely mean to get into Soylent, but now that I’m on this train I have to ride it all the way to its termination point, which is probably Burning Man.
If you are like me and are bad at cooking and also have a weird appetite that makes it so that you don’t get hungry even if you know you last ate seven hours ago… Soylent is the Silicon Valley-approved beverage meal for you. It’s so fucking stupid and I love it.
Not all Soylents are created equal though, so I am here to give you the definitive ranking of every flavor of what is essentially a protein shake with VC funding and a better font.
Strawberry
Unequivocally the worst flavor. It’s like you put all the Flintstones vitamins into a blender and then added a few dirty pennies just for kicks.
Original
My friend Katie loves this flavor which is how I know she could kill me with her bare hands if she wanted to. She once told me, and I quote, “I love it. It’s like if cereal milk was blander.” Which tells you everything you need to know about this flavor and also reiterates the fact that Katie could probably murder me and get away with it. Patrick Bateman would LOVE Original Soylent.
Cafe Mocha
We’ve now entered the realm of drinkable Soylents. Cafe Mocha is fine and it’s nice that there’s caffeine in it, thereby making it a good breakfast ‘lent (I know all of this is horror and if you’d like to cancel me please do). But whatever they’re using for the coffee flavor (a chemical) and the chocolate flavor (a different chemical) don’t taste amazing together. That being said I will probably have one tomorrow because I DID order a variety case of the Cafe flavors and I DO intend to drink them all.
Cacao
I imagine the pitch meeting for this flavor was like, “What if we made Nesquik but thicker and just a little dusty?” Which was the same thought I had when my mom texted me saying that Cardi B and I have the same body type. Anyway, Cacao is pretty good and if it’s the only one at the fancy deli I won’t say no.
Vanilla
Remember five seconds ago when Katie said that Original Soylent was like if cereal milk was blander? Vanilla Soylent is like if sugary cereal milk had the consistency of a melted milkshake. It is… great. Everything you could want from a beverage that is taking the place of a full meal. It tastes good, very gluggable, and the shade of blue on the bottle is nothing short of gorgeous. A very chic flavor all in all.
Cafe Vanilla
Everything I just said about the regular vanilla AND there’s caffeine? Cafe Vanilla is the hot older sibling of Vanilla who comes downstairs when you’re all hanging out and sorta smiles at you and you’re like, “Wow does he have LOVE me?” and then a few years later you’re drinking in that same basement and he’s there too and you guys have a weird Almost Moment and then every nine months you see a picture of him on Facebook and text your friends that Tim is still hot. Anyway, can’t recommend Cafe Vanilla enough. Real good shit.
Cafe Chai
God tier Soylent. I would do a keg stand of Cafe Chai. I would get an IV drip of Cafe Chai. I would give Cafe Chai power of attorney. I would ask Cafe Chai to be the godmother to my children after meeting her twice. I would take a non-fatal bullet for Cafe Chai (shoulder, leg, or ass). There’s a nuance to the flavor here, and by that I mean it kind of tastes like nutmeg.
If all of this sounds disgusting to you, right on. I’m not proud of these choices, but I have made my bed and now I will lie in it until whatever Soylent is made of gives me some weird disease.