Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a chain now

Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a chain now.

Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a chain now. Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing a chain while he promotes Spider-Man: Far From Home. I don’t know what the movie is about but I think it’s about Spider-Man going on a school trip with Zendaya and then… chaos? Jake Gyllenhaal plays someone who I think is named Mysterio. Perhaps I know more about this movie than I thought I did. 

Back to the chain. 

Jake Gyllenhaal is wearing this chain everywhere. He wore it on BBC Radio 1 while talking about how much he loves Sean Paul. When asked what his favorite Sean Paul song was he said it was “Cheap Thrills,” which is technically a Sia song and makes me question how much he actually likes Sean Paul. It’s ok to just like the idea of Sean Paul. We all know “Temperature” is fun. Now I’m just being a “name three albums” bro. Who am I to question Jake Gyllenhaal, a man bold enough to become obsessed with wearing a gold chain at 38 years old.

The chain made an appearance on the red carpet. Blue suit, a green t-shirt so dark that I thought was black for a second, and the chain. I saw a picture on Twitter where he’s wearing the exact same outfit except the suit is black (maybe charcoal) and the t-shirt is blue. 

Jake Gyllenhaal wore the chain on The Graham Norton Show, where he was doing more press with Tom Holland. Once again he wore it with a t-shirt and a suit. Tom Hanks and Gwyneth Paltrow were also there, which is why The Graham Norton Show is the only good talk show.

How lucky for Tom Hanks, to get to see the chain in real life. Gwyneth Paltrow has seen lots of men wearing chains, I’m sure. She was married to Coldplay and has spent a lot of time with Robert Downey Jr. I just googled to see if Tom Hanks has ever worn a chain. Allegedly the answer is no, but that seems untrue. Big era Hanks certainly had chain energy. 

Jake Gyllenhaal also wore the chain while promoting the play Sea Wall/A Life with Tom Sturridge, which is going up on Broadway next month. Notably, Tom Sturridge was also wearing a chain. Who chained first? The play is less of a Play and more like two long monologues from two different writers, each of which feature a man talking about death. It was a New York Times Critic’s Pick when it was at the Public, but I generally don’t trust the Times theatre critics, so who knows. Per a press photo, Jake is not wearing the chain onstage. A lot can change in the Off-Broadway to Broadway transfer though. Tickets for Sea Wall/A Life are as much as $339. I would guess that the chain costs several Sea Wall/A Life orchestra seats (center, not left, obviously). 

Page Six reported today that some people are “disgusted” by the chain. Outrageous. To be… disgusted? By what has clearly become Jake Gyllenhaal’s prized possession? It looks so good on him, with his slight tan and tired eyes. He’s so proud of it. A nice little present he bought for himself. 

I’m disappointed that there has yet to be footage of him putting it in his mouth, like Timothée Chalamet in Call Me By Your Name or Meryl Streep in Big Little Lies or the guy I bought weed from in high school one time whose sister also got in the car and requested we play “Marvin’s Room” on the aux. 

What is this chain doing to me? Why won’t the image of him wearing it during yet another press interview (this time in a blue cashmere sweater where the gold really pops) leave my brain? Why did I spend an entire day thinking about Jake Gyllenhaal? The only answer I have been able to come up with is that I am reading The Uninhabitable Earth and have been consumed by such a deep existential dread that I can do nothing but convert it into unrepentant lust. It’s much easier keep thoughts of the imminent Water Wars at bay when 90% of your mental energy is being used to imagine the way the chain falls back down on Jake Gyllenhaal’s chest when he takes off his blue sweater at the end of a long day. 

met gala crystal ball 🔮

Tomorrow is one of my favorite days of the year. It’s the first Monday in May, which means that the Met Gala is upon us. The Met Gala is the sartorial equivalent to watching Chopped from your couch and saying things like, “I don’t think that red wine reduction is going to work with the frozen meatloaf Craig is trying to pass off as filet mignon,” while eating peanut butter from the jar. I love it. 

I know nothing about fashion, but I love judging fame-os on the one homework assignment they get in a year. Sue me! This year’s theme is Camp, which is probably the hardest one to pull off since I’ve been paying attention. How does one dress for a Camp theme? Camp is about aesthetics, but there’s no one way to do it and a million wrong ways to do it. Tricky! If I had to guess I’d say that lots of people will simply do ~*sparkles*~, which is not Camp unless you’re wearing vintage Bob Mackie. 

Speaking of guessing! As I said, I don’t know anything about fashion but I do know a lot about celebrities. What I also know is that there will be three camps (no pun intended) tomorrow: People Who Nail It, People Who Don’t Try, and People Who Try And Fail. I’m now going to look into my crystal ball and guess who will fall where. (I’m using this tweet from a Frank Ocean stan account for the guest list lmao) Please refer back to this tomorrow and give me praise if I’m right and never mention it at all if I’m wrong. 

People Who Will Nail It

Lady Gaga (would be embarrassing for a host to swing and miss, also Gaga IS camp) Harry Styles (see: the hosting note above)  Anne Hathaway  Tracee Ellis Ross  Frank Ocean (obviously praying for a drag moment here)  Janelle Monae  Jennifer Lopez (she should wear the famous green Versace dress IMO!! I don’t know if that’s actually Camp but it would be such a Moment) Lupita Nyong’o Sarah Jessica Parker  Billy Porter  RuPaul Chadwick Boseman  Blake Lively Jared Leto (SORRY)  Zendaya (only because she shares a stylist with Celine Dion) 

People Who Won’t Try

Kendall Jenner (when has she ever) Biebers, Justin and Hailey  Emily Blunt Julianne Moore (feel bad about this one but I just have a feeling)  Both Hadids  A$AP Rocky Michael B Jordan Kerry Washington 

People Who Will Try And Fail

Amy Adams (listen, I wish this weren’t the column I was putting her in but I’m just not convinced) Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas (they always do Ralph Lauren which I don’t think is conducive to Camp) Dakota Johnson  Alicia Keys Katy Perry (a shame because she loves being campy but I don’t think she understands Camp. Like, the Witness World Wide experience was Camp. Teenage Dream was campy.)  Mindy Kaling  Gal Gadot 

Some extra notes: 

  • I saw someone say that Rihanna isn’t going but then I heard someone say that she IS and I just don’t know what to believe. Obviously if she shows up she will kill it. 

  • I have a feeling that Beyoncé is going to come this year and she will also look amazing. She’d obv wear like, vintage Dapper Dan or something of that nature. 

  • A problem with this theme is that Camp isn’t supposed to know it’s Camp, and so nailing the assignment and declaring “This outfit is Camp” kind of makes the whole thing null and void. But whatever, who cares. Again, this is a bunch of millionaires hanging out at The Met. 

  • I think it would be really funny if someone like Kendall–who is usually criticized for “just wearing a prom dress”–to actually wear a prom dress. Full Jessica McLintock, bejeweled bodice mall chic. 

See y’all on the TL tomorrow night! 

TACKY!

I’m sorry, the old new Taylor can’t come to the phone right now. Why? Oh, 'cause she was smothered by a Live Laugh Love pillow! 

You guuuuyyysss. Taylor Swift is back and as you may have heard, it sucks! Not only does “ME!” suck, but it has brought to the surface the underlying thesis of all of Taylor’s work since Red: She is incredibly tacky. 

Tackiness is pervasive because it’s easy. It’s about being the loudest person in a room while having nothing to actually say. It’s empty platitudes tattooed on forearms in a cursive font. 

The scary thing about Taylor is that she’s tacky and smart. It’s a dangerous combination that makes me think if she weren’t a singer she’d be that one bitch making money off of an MLM scam. 

“ME!” weaponizes tackiness so as to become unimpeachable. Taylor said that the song is “about embracing your individuality and really celebrating it, and owning it.” She’s put herself in an amazing position where she can see that critics are saying the song is bad (which it is) and then she can say, “Haters love to tear down a young woman singing about positivity,” if she wants to.  

But this song isn’t even about “embracing your individuality.” Here are some lyrics: 

I know that I'm a handful, baby, uh I know I never think before I jump And you're the kind of guy the ladies want (And there's a lot of cool chicks out there) I know that I went psycho on the phone I never leave well enough alone And trouble's gonna follow where I go (And there's a lot of cool chicks out there)

But one of these things is not like the others  Like a rainbow with all of the colors  Baby doll, when it comes to a lover  I promise that you'll never find another like

And then she goes “Me-hee-HEE.” 

Taylor spends the entire first verse being like, “Listen, baby, I know I’m treating you poorly and that I’m not thinking about you,” and then jumps into the chorus where she flips those things around to say that they’re what make her a special and unique woman and also maybe that she’s good in bed? No one should ever say “lover.” 

This song is about being a shitty person who refuses to change, but it’s wrapped up in enough pastel packaging so people can be tricked into thinking it’s cute. Remember those sassy Tweety Bird shirts that say things like “Ask someone who cares!” and “Now back to me!”? Tackiness abounds. 

The thing is, there’s an interesting pop song to be made about recognizing the fact that you’re a bad partner. That’s not Taylor’s brand though. The only song of hers that comes to mind where she accepts her own fault is “Back To December” and that was nine years ago. “I Did Something Bad” doesn’t count because–like a serial killer–there’s no remorse. Just like “ME!”, it’s about reveling in being callous. 

It’s as though Taylor has never gotten stoned and thought about how everyone imagines themselves to be the heroic protagonist of their story but that they can also be the villainous antagonist of someone else’s. 

Or maybe she has, but she made a business decision. It’s profitable to make tacky anthems. This is a song for young girls who currently going through drama because there’s too many people in their prom group and someone has to get cut. Those girls have parents who will buy them a hideous $60 long-sleeved tee that says “Awesome!” 

Like a necklace with an anchor pendant that reads “refuse to sink,” the words and the imagery of “ME!” don’t match up.  What is supposed to be a bubbly song celebrating individuality is actually an ode to being a piece of shit. Not that any of that matters though, I bet 7-year-olds are already streaming it on a loop. 


P.S. The GALL to drag Brendon Urie into this mess and then have to QUALIFY his presence by adding “of Panic! At The Disco” to his name. If you feel the need to explain who Brendan Urie is, you’re consciously making music for children and seniors’ aerobics classes. 

if you're reading this it's for you

This one goes out to all my people who don’t watch Game Of Thrones, and not in the performative, I would never watch that garbage way. Just in the way that’s like, it’s not for me! The show will be consuming the lives of everyone you know for the next… uh, 8? weeks? Maybe 10? I don’t know how long these seasons run. 

Here’s a little digest of stuff I’ve been enjoying that you can consume on Sunday nights if you don’t want to go to Thrones watch parties because you know you’ll just be like, “Who’s that one?” every three seconds. 

Veep

So maybe you do find yourself at a Thrones watch party. You sit quietly in the corner praying that one of the dudes on the show hangs dong. It doesn’t happen, but now the episode is over and you can now cajole your friends into watching HBO’s other Sunday night masterpiece, Veep. The show is still great and mean and laugh out loud funny. What did we all do to deserve being alive at the same time as Julia Louis-Dreyfus. 

Oklahoma! 

Stay with me here. The revival of Oklahoma! that is one of the most exciting pieces of theatre I’ve seen on Broadway since… maybe ever? Oklahoma! is rightfully known for being a hokey, all-American musical that’s safe for even the most conservative high school productions. This new version is the exact opposite. It’s sexy and violent, and not just for the sake of being sexy and violent. I quietly wept four times.

There’s much to be said about what this production says about ~America~, but people much smarter than me have already done that. I’m here to tell you that it’s also FUN. They give you chili and cornbread at intermission! It’s DEEPLY horny! Damon Daunno as Curly is my entire sexuality!! Save up some cash, find a sugar daddy, trick your parents into paying you a visit, do whatever you have to do to go see it. 

Plano

Another play rec (shoutout to my BFA) for my New Yorkers. This one is cheaper and takes place a couple hundred miles south of Oklahoma. This Clubbed Thumb production of Will Arbery’s play is so funny and weird and features a faceless ghost man. Three sisters in Texas are all Going Through It and then shit gets super weird. There’s not much to spoil here, but I think the less you know going into it the more fun you’ll have. This is a cheaper ticket than Oklahoma! and it’s a cool 90 minutes no intermission (the greatest words in the American theatre). 

The Bold Type

This dumb show is my personal Game of Thrones. The plot makes no sense, there’s always someone where I’m like “Wait, what’s their deal again,” and it exists in a fantasy world where young media professionals can get uppity about being forced to write for the web instead of print. It’s in its third season now but honestly you can just watch from any point and have a good time. In the first episode of this season the man they bring in to run the digital side is revealed to have shown his dick at a meeting but it was for gender parity so it’s like… ok? I would die for every idiot on this show. 

You’re Wrong About

Maybe you want a podcast you can listen to while you fold laundry on Sunday night. I’ve been obsessed with You’re Wrong About for the past few weeks. Two journalists with nice speaking voices take turns explaining major cultural and historical events that we have a collective misunderstanding about. You may think you know about Enron or Anna Nicole Smith, but the story goes deeper than what we all remember! I love being told why I’m wrong! 

If you have any recs for what I should be doing on Sunday evenings instead of taking part in the biggest cultural moment I might ever be around to witness, please send them my way. 

the oprah method

for maximum citrus pleasure

As my mother kindly pointed out in more than one text message, I did not send out a newsletter last week. The simple answer is that on Sunday I was busy being hungover and watching the movie Heat, which is almost three hours long. 

Is that a flimsy excuse? Does the iconic scene in Heat where Pacino and De Niro meet at the diner happen exactly halfway through the movie, a structurally perfect place for it to occur within the narrative? The answer to these questions is the same. 

Whatever, we’re back and that’s what matters. What also matters is the fact that it’s super warm in New York right now and that means that it’s fully Bev Season. The latest trend in drinking is Not Drinking, but whether your bev has alcohol in it or not, I think we can all agree that nothing is better in a bev than fresh squeezed citrus. 

Now here is the problem, what do you do if you don’t have a citrus squeezer? Let me get ahead of this and say that no one is allowed to berate me for not owning one. I am a baby and who spends all her money on 2 a.m. Ubers and renting various Missions Impossible on Amazon. 

So here is the solution to not having a citrus squeezer. It is called the Oprah Method and it works. It is called the Oprah Method because in the year 2010 Oprah, for the nth time, redefined culture and societal norms by doing this: 

Yes, friends, the Oprah Method involves biting into the back of a halved piece of citrus and letting the juice shoot out into whatever receptacle you have provided it. I was wary when I first saw this, and so was Gayle! It looks crazy! But hand to God it works like a charm. As you can see in this seven-minute long video of the two best friends making Moscow Mules at a campsite, Gayle attempts to do what any normal person would do and just squeezes it with her hands. A fool’s errand. 

Do you hear the smug, singsongy tone Oprah uses when Gayle DARES to ask her if she can really get more juice by biting the lime instead of using her hands?

🎶Yes I can🎶

We should all aspire to that level of confidence and derision when people question us about our innovative practices.

My intern Sara showed me this video three weeks ago and I have barely thought about anything else since. I have tried the method myself. My roommate just did it while making some kind of cilantro lime dressing. Yes, we are gross dummies. But I have a suspicion that at least one of you is also a gross dummy who wants to maximize citrus potential this summer, and if I can help just one person… well then by god it will have been worth getting zest in my teeth. 

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